"Dedicated To The Winners & The Losers..." - Raekwon

Monday, June 22, 2009

Great Moments In Damon Jones' History - A Retrospective

"Damon Jones shooting one of his patented ill-advised, hand-in-face jumpers."

Ask anybody who has spent a significant portion of time around me and they will inevitably tell you I'm one of the worst human beings alive to watch sports with. I'm easily angered, overly pessimistic and have a tendency to string together a veritable symphony of unspeakable expletives that will inevitably earn me a one way ticket to hell for breaking the Third Commandment (according to the one true Holy Bible, Wikipedia). I have a particularly nasty habit whenever a team that I'm rooting for inevitably starts to collapse in the third quarter of a tight game of throwing objects at-hand at high velocity at my television screen in disgust. Over the last couple of years, I have had to call Timer Warner Cable six or seven times (three alone in the Orlando series) to replace the remote control that I smashed against the wall as my teams blew a late lead.

Over the years, former Cavs basketball "great", Damon Jones has caused his fair share of household items to be destroyed in an uncontrollable rage. This is a shame because Damon Jones is also one of my favorite athletes of all-time. Damon Jones is an awesome basketball player, just not in the sense, that he's actually good at the game of basketball. He's actually pretty terrible at that. For a guy who claims to be "the Best Shooter On The Planet", he remarkably only shoots about 40 percent from three-point land which is just awful when you consider that his three-point shooting is his only on-court asset that is of any use to a team. However, what makes Damon Jones so undeniably awesome is his off-the-court antics and general tomfoolery which makes him one of the more entertaining human beings alive.

I have compiled some of the great moments from Damon Jones' career for the enjoyment of my readers. Bask in the awesomeness.

One of the key aspects of Jones' transcendence as a comedian is his ability to act like a preening jackass after the most mundane of accomplishments (like hitting an open jumper in the middle of a blowout loss) especially when it comes after missing five or six shots in a row. In this photo, Damon Jones celebrates a rebound of the open lay-up he missed on a fast break... against the Bobcats... in December... in a loss...

Damon is a master of the overly complicated handshake. It was reported that while he was performing his "duties" on the Cavs that he had a different handshake with each member of the team that he would perform before each and every game with them. It has also been reported this "influence" with Lebron James is part of the reason, the Cavs started performing their patented "pre-victory" skits before a 120-87 beat down of the Grizzlies this season (thus contributing to the ultimate demise of the Cavs this season. Son of a #%$@$ $#$%@%@$!!!!) Here we see Jones offer King James one of his patented "assists" coming out of timeout. This hand-shake proceeded to last the entirety of Mike Brown's "strategy" session.

In this photo, we witness Damon Jones' patented "let-my-assignment-blow-right-by-me" non-defense defense. We catch a small glimpse of why Damon Jones is the player he is.

Contrary to public opinion, weed carrying is an art. It requires that you put the needs of your weed owner ahead of your own. You have to be ready and willing to go the extra mile to get that high quality dank through airport security. In this photo, Damon Jones takes orders for how many blunts that Shaq and D-Wade require for their post-game smoke session.

A good weed carrier makes sure to take care of his old client's needs even after he's signed with a new owner. In this photo, Damon Jones discusses Shaq's weed requirements with the Corpse of Gary Payton, Shaq's new Secretary of Smoke.

One of the more entertaining aspects of Damon Jones' career is his tremendous sense of style. He is a man that not only knows how to sport a coat that would make Craig Sagers rock a-green-lime-suit with envy but he does it with the type of braggadocios flavor that can only come from a man who spent his career keeping Shaq and Lebron's bench warm and toasty. In this photo, DJ sports a dinner jacket from the 55-year old women's divorcée collection. Damon Jones is not afraid to look like some sort of cougar-pimp hybrid. Metallic leopard print in public? I think so.

Damon Jones knows the importance of being seen in public with athletes more talented and famous than him. He understands that, in order, to sleep with the same quality of groupies that you have to latch yourself onto a Shaq or Lebron or in this case, a Reggie Miller and a Shawn Marion. Witness how by subtly working himself into the center of the photo, he becomes a star and thus you are drawn to his charismatic magnetism and ignore the fact that he sucks at basketball. You want to be him even though you hate him with all your heart. Call him the DJ Khaled of basketball. Damon Jones is a visionary.

Being a style icon doesn't just happen overnight. You have to have role models, in order, to be able to properly dress like Hugh Hefner in public. Damon Jones knows this. In this photo, we witness Damon Jones interviewing legendarily bad dresser, Deion Sanders, on exactly how one wears a silver checkered sport suit, a pink dress shirt and a white fedora in public without looking like "Chocolate Lover"-era Big Daddy Kane in public. Clearly, Jones has taken the lessons "Prime Time" to heart.

Let's not forget his love for stupid haircuts as well.

Did you know Damon Jones signed an endorsement deal with a sportswear company in China to promote their basketball shoes simply because he was on the same team as Lebron James? Now you know and knowing is half the battle of going through the mental gymnastics that you have to make to reconcile that completely illogical thought in your head. Damon Jones endorses shoes in China.... Damon Jones endorses shoes in China!! DAMON EFFIN' JONES ENDORSES SHOES IN CHINA?!?!?!

Jones and LBJ... and the man love that dare not speak its name.

Damon Jones at his best.... Sitting on the bench... Holding Lebron's weed.... Acting Like A Clown... Not doing any harm on the basketball court... I will miss you, Damon Jones. Always and forever.

Damon Jones' career: 1998 - 2009.


Badmon3333 said...

I am fucking crying - thanks for brightening up Monday, Doc. Respect.

Badmon3333 said...

(crying from laughter, lest you think ill of me, haha)

Kronos said...

Doc - Nice piece. Now, how about one on the immortal Rod Nichols?

tray said...

Actually, shooting 40 percent for your career from three is really good, even if it's not Steve Kerr or Jason Kapono good. He is just a career 39% shooter, but consider that only 29 players have shot 40% or higher for their careers, and right at 40% are shooting legends like Hodges, Stojakovic, Glen Rice, Allan Houston, Dell Curry. Eddie House, who also brings nothing more than shooting to a team, is a career 39% shooter from three and everyone agrees he's a valuable asset in limited minutes. In his prime Damon was just as good, and certainly had a huge positive impact for Miami in the 2005 playoffs.

DocZeus said...

You gotta look deep than that. He shot close to 48% with that one season he played with the Heat but with the Cavs, he consistently shot in the mid 30s when he was the Cavs which was terrible because he was an awful defender and point guard. He had a few years that artificially inflated his career shooting percentage.

Andy said...

"In this photo, Damon Jones celebrates a rebound of the open lay-up he missed on a fast break... against the Bobcats... in December... in a loss..."

Except the guy in the background is wearing a Pistons jersey.

DocZeus said...


The caption corresponds with the photo ABOVE my writing. I'm referring to the one where Jones is dancing around like he just sank a game winning shot at the buzzer.

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