Possibly, the most egregious moment in the history of the utterly desolate abyss of the Pitchfork yearly best of... lists was when Lil’ Wayne bamboozled Thomas Breihan into thinking he was deep by releasing the gloriously average “Georgia...Bush” on his thoroughly mediocre mixtape “Dedication 2.” It set off a change reaction in which Lil’ Wayne upon being nothing more than a flash in the pan weed carrier on Cash Money Records for most of his career inexplicably became the biggest star in all of music. When “Dedication 2” clocked in at number 37 on that year’s list (ahead of J-Dilla’s "Donuts" no less!), I knew I had lost the war. Despite ranting for months on message boards across the nation to fifteen year old Weezy fanboys that Lil’ Wayne was not, in fact, better than Rakim, I knew at the moment, that it was inevitable. Lil’ Wayne was about to become critically respected. My soul died a little bit that day.
It’s been two years since that fateful day and my worst case scenario has come to fruition. Weezy is as ubiquitous as ever. “Tha Carter 3” was a bigger success than even I could imagine in my fevered, drunken nightmares, he’s showing off his neophyte guitar skills for Kid Rock at the Country Music Awards and he’s being given more and larger platforms to take his shirt off homoerotically in public. It’s a nightmare...
But that just means that it’s giving me more opportunity to practice my particular brand of hate. The (apparently, I had no idea it was even coming out so soon...) highly anticipated mixtape, “Dedication 3”, was released by Lil’ Wayne and (the thoroughly, useless) DJ Drama this week and I thought it would be perfect to do another installment in my What I Imagine... series.
As per usual, this should be considered the definitive review of this mixtape because well, you know the drill... flawless taste in all... Enjoy!
1. Welcome Back - I’m really hoping this samples that comeback Mase jawn where he samples the Welcome Back, Kotter theme. I love that song...without shame.
2. Dedication 3 [Feat. Mack Maine, Willie The Kid & La the Darkman] - Wait a second, La the Darkman is on this? The Wu-Tang J.V. member? Seriously?! Tell me, Weezy ain’t a fan of “Uncontrolled Substance” era Inspectah Deck! That might totally change my opinion of him as an artist!
3. What Else Is There To Do? - Um, you could go away. It worked wonders for Jay-Z’s career.
4. Thingy Pleaser [Feat. Jae Millz] - Weezy’s uber-misogynistic sex jams are almost always inherently, more quease inducing than your standard sex jam because not only are they usually more scatalogical (because he has to work harder to convince us that he has relations with the opposite sex) but they always sound so joyless. I mean let’s take UGK’s legendarily offensive “Pregnant Pussy” as an example. The song might be pound for pound the most offensive song ever recorded but the song is also undeniably fun because there seems to be a sense that despite the horrible things that Pimp C and Bun B are saying there is a knowing sense that they understand this undeniably ignorant but we’re gonna fuck around with you, anyway. There is joy in that. Unlike, Weezy’s material which always sounds like he’s completely uninterested in women and thus makes it all the more unpleasant to listen to. It’s the same exact problem I have with Cam’ron. It just sounds detached and forced which just amplifies the misogyny. Probably because they much rather be both sleeping with Juelz Santana, respectively..
5. Ain’t I [Feat. Jae Millz] - I’m guessing this song samples that completely uninspired, lost Jay-Z/Timbaland collaboration from earlier this year. Only except we aren’t getting Jay-Z’s corpse rapping about his Basqiats, we get Jae Millz rapping about coke. Lovely...
6. You Love Me, You Hate Me - Actually, I just hate you but I’ll forgive the misunderstanding.
7. Bang, Bang [Feat. Jae Millz & Gudda Gudda] - Hey! It’s time for the ubiquitous Weezy song where he tries to convince people that he didn’t get a recording contract at the age of ten and actually used to run around shooting people in the projects of New Orleans. These songs usually tend to work out for Weezy as evidenced by my love for the “Cannon (Remix)” that was on the last one of these monstrosities. I really do love that song. This song might have some hope.
8. “The Other Side” [Feat. La the Darkman, Jae Millz & Gudda Gudda] - What is going on here? La the Darkman, again? Seriously, why him? If you’re going to pick random Wu weed carriers, why not get like Killah Priest or Killa Sin or something? This is just too inexplicable for words.
9. My Weezy [Feat. Shannel, Lil Twist & Tyga] - Oh, great female weed carriers... their level of suck can only be compared to the suck of the legendary white weed carrier. This song can’t be any good.
10. A Dedication - This must be one of those times where Drama wastes a minute and fifty seconds of your life shouting out the various sycophants and untalenteds he has signed to the Aphilliaties. I know DJ Khaled is universally the most despised man in hip hop these days but for my money, Drama gives a serious run for his money in terms of total douchebaggery and general annoyance. I hate Drama...
11. She’s A Ryder [Feat. Kidd-Kidd] - What is with Weezy’s jewelry polisher’s names? Kidd-Kidd? Gudda Gudda? Is Juelz “Same Word With The Same Word” Santana naming these people? Somebody is definitely not trying hard enough.
12. Still I Rise [Feat. Nicki Manaj] - Two to one this samples T.I.’s “No Matter What” and Weezy turns it into a metaphor for getting an erection... And I never thought I’d see the day where somebody would manage to out class Lil’ Kim’s famous poster but Nicki Manaj is doing her finest to top it...
13. Magic [Feat. Gudda Gudda] - Dollars to doughnuts, this about drugs. Either this is about Weezy’s dedication to syrup or about that one time he heard about one of these guy’s his friend’s knows cousin sold some weed to his college roommate.
14. Do’s and Dont’s Of Young Money - Oh please for the love of god, let this be a cover of Nas’ legendarily bad idea train wreck that was “Dr. Knockboot”...
Sample couplet: “First, DON’T smoke yourself utterly retarded/or you’ll be making shitty songs with auto-tune and sounding garbage” (Ok, I’m not a very good rapper. You get the point...)
15. Whoever You Like [Feat. Jae Millz & Gudda Gudda] - Damn, Jae Millz is on everything on this mixtape.! His brain game must be strooooong! Also, Lil Wayne + the “Whatever You Like” beat = This.
16. “That Was Easy” - It was most assuredly not, DJ Drama.
17. Get Bizzy [Feat. Gudda Gudda] - I would soil myself if they rapped over that Roots songs from “Rising Down” this year. I would totally be down for Weezy rapping over some Roots. It’s probably not, though...
18. I Got That Gangsta - No, you don’t. Stop frontin’.
19. A Message To The DJ’s - Remember when Lil’ Wayne caught a bitch-fit earlier this year when he realized talentless leeches like Khaled were making money off his freestyles while he was getting dick and he told mixtape DJ’s to go fuck themselves. I’m guessing Drama forced him to cop a plea here which is shame because, honestly, fuck mixtapes DJ’s!
20. Stuntin’ [Feat. Drake] - Was there a “Hustlin’” rip-off called “Stuntin’” this year that blew up while I was listening to Elzhi records or something? There seems like there would be a song like that. Either way, there is no way this wasn’t produced by the Runners.
21. Dedicated - Drama wastes even more of your life on this one...
22. Put On [Feat. Tyga & Gudda Gudda] - I can’t imagine combining Gudda Gudda and auto-tune is the smartest idea. It didn’t work for Kanye on this song and it won’t work for you, Gudda Gudda.
23. Outro - Hopefully, this won’t be a repeat of the last track on “Tha Carter 3” where Weezy got confused and rambled on about Al Sharpton for six minutes before passing out in the booth after drinking way too much lean. That would be terrible. Actually, you know what? I take that back. I would love to hear the outtakes of that song where he not only goes in on Sharpton but he goes on an extended, profanity-filled, anti-semitic rant about the Jews and how there is a global conspiracy to control all media and government, Mel Gibson-style. I think I just would about die...
Overall: With every track seemingly overloaded with weed carriers (and not even his “allegedly” good, XXL-approved weed carriers like Cory Gunz and Curren$y), I can’t imagine this being any good. What do I recommend instead? The new Q-Tip album is surprisingly not as terrible as I imagined it would be. You could totally do worse than wasting an hour listening to Q-Tip do his damn hardest to recreate old school Tribey goodness. That album is pretty good. This mixtape probably sucks.
Adjusted Pitchfork Rating: 3.3