"Dedicated To The Winners & The Losers..." - Raekwon


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Allow Me To Not Give A Fuck: Tom Brady Edition


Oh man, I am so going to hell for this one...

On September 7th, 2008, at approximately 8 minutes into the Kansas City Chiefs – New England Patriots opening game, the skies blackened and hell opened up and the world was swallowed whole as Tom Brady, God Amongst Men, was struck down by the cruel hand of unjust fate. It was the day the music died, when the men of the world lost all hope, and Boston, poor pitiful Boston, was handed another painful loss in a string of bad luck that has included 3 Super Bowls, 2 World Series, and an NBA Championship. What cruel fate! Curse the gods and their wanton indifference… Or something like that…

Personally, I was wrestling with feeling guilt over feeling such unimaginable joy and sheer giddiness of seeing such a smug prick go down after the Patriots not only cheated to win their three championships but proceeded to run up the score with a reckless abandon against clearly inferior opponents. However, after seeing Bill Simmons write such a shamelessly whiny and self-loathing piece over at ESPN.com about the Patriots' (and the “tortured” fans of Boston's) bad luck, I decided to be like “fuck it” and thoroughly enjoy this amazing turn of events. I just hope the karma police don’t decided to take revenge on my fellow Clevelanders and have Lebron rip his ACL this season. I mean seriously, if that happens after everything Cleveland has been through in my lifetime and then he bolts for Brooklyn, I’m personally renouncing my religion, joining with Satan, and coming after God. I feel like I would be a better god than his negligent ass, anyway.

But seriously, folks. Here’s my letter to New England:

Dear Boston,

Suck it, bitches.

Sincerely,

The People Of Cleveland


P.S. Philadelphia and Seattle want me tell you to go blow yourselves, too.

17 comments:

Marcus said...

cosign, even though the cheating thing isnt that bad. Didnt some teams already know??

SIDENOTE: How fuckin' great is Life After Death??

DocZeus said...

SIDENOTE: How fuckin' great is Life After Death??

Great but not as great as "Ready To Die."

Anonymous said...

why the hate towards philly?

DocZeus said...

"why the hate towards philly?"

Nah, I'm saying that Philly and Seattle and are telling Boston to blow themselves too. I thought that was weird phrasing. I'll edit.

Anonymous said...

when did they cheat to win the super bowl? they cheated the year they lost the super bowl. and as marcus says, it wasn't nothing.

Dart Adams said...

Duly noted. Boston fans ain't got shit to cry about. Look at your stadium. Check your merch sales and count your Pro Bowlers. Now look at your championship banners. Now shut the fuck up and take the L that is this 2008-09 season. I know I will.

One.

rm said...

Man, I'm from Massachusetts and I still agree. The Sox are surging, the Celtics just won, hell, the Pats even ended up winning. Brady will be fine, and so will I. Now can they stop talking about this story on every website, even hip-hop ones.

tray said...

SIDENOTE: isn't it clear that Kanye's new song is his way of coming out to us? "I keep it low, keep a secret code/So everybody else dont have to know/So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down..."

It's a good song though.

Anonymous said...

It's amazing how jealous those poor fans are. Having crap for teams would make me cry and whine to. It's to bad the best have to be injured for the second, well maybe third or forth best, to climb out of a hole. Winning by default? Haha, still makes you a loser.

Zilla Rocca said...

As a person of Philadelphia, yes, eat a dick Boston.

Badmon3333 said...

I'd like to think that this is payback for me having to listen to my co-worker verbally jerk himself off for the last five years during this string of Boston championship.

Despite our longstanding geographical rivalry, allow me to also say, from Pittsburgh, piss on Tom Brady's leg.

Also I predict six sacks against the Browns this Sunday.

DocZeus said...

"Also I predict six sacks against the Browns this Sunday."

That might be conservative. I'm fully expecting the Browns to get demolished this Sunday. We might not win 3 games this year. Our defense is miraculously MUCH worse than last year and our offense, that was supposed to carry us, has so many injuries that we are starting two members of our practice squad as are number two and number three receivers. Plus Braylon Edwards inexplicably can't catch the ball, anymore. We're fucking terrible. No lie.

Romeo Crennel should have been fired the second, he couldn't discern that Charlie Frye wasn't a better quarterback than Derek Anderson. It should've been instaneous death. Now we're stuck with his fat ass for another year when Bill Cowher is sitting there waiting for us to call. I fucking hate this shit.

I hate the fact that I'm Browns fan. They've brought nothing but misery into my life.

d. b. cooper said...

"Also I predict six sacks against the Browns this Sunday."

That might be conservative. I'm fully expecting the Browns to get demolished this Sunday. We might not win 3 games this year. Our defense is miraculously MUCH worse than last year and our offense, that was supposed to carry us, has so many injuries that we are starting two members of our practice squad as are number two and number three receivers. Plus Braylon Edwards inexplicably can't catch the ball, anymore. We're fucking terrible. No lie.


That's "Week 1-ing" it way too much. The Cowboys are better than last year, I think legitimate Super Bowl favorites, there will be no shame n taking an L to them this year. Sure, The Browns looked terrible week 1, and about fifty plays would have had to have gone differently to even sniff winning that game, and it looks unspeakably horrible for your prospects this year. But Braylon Edwards probably won't be dropping passes like that all season. The addition of Sean Rogers has to start helping at some point. Anderson just had an off game, most likely. Kellen Winslow is an elite tight end, no doubt. And at least Romeo Crennel isn't Butch Davis, right? Don't write off the season just yet. You probably start off the season 0-2, but so did the Giants last year :).

DocZeus said...

D.B.-

The primary difference between us and the Giants is one team plays in New York and one plays in Cleveland. And anything and everything that could go wrong in Cleveland, will not ONLY go wrong in Clevland but will go wrong in a fashion that is beyond your most, horrific, tortured nightmares. The only thing that has gone right in my entire life as a Cleveland sports fan is the fact we landed Lebron James and I'm still not entirely convinced that wasn't God's most heinous way of saying "Fuck You" to the city of Cleveland, yet when Lebron inevitably bolts for Brooklyn.

I would have more confidence if we weren't playing the Steelers on Sunday. A team that historically owns our souls even when the Browns are halfway decent. All I'm saying is that if we get demolished as bad as I think we are going to, it will not only destroy our hopes for the rest of the season, it's going to effect us for the next few seasons as well.

Sort of like, I'm convinced the reason were so atrocious for two thirds of the season is because we blew a 3-1 lead against the fucking heinous Red Sox and it destroyed any chance we'd be good this season because of it. I'm convinced if we win that series, we'd be in the playoffs this year.

And yes, I've fully embraced my identity as a self-loathing Cleveland fan with a massive inferiority complex.

d. b. cooper said...

And yes, I've fully embraced my identity as a self-loathing Cleveland fan with a massive inferiority complex.

I'm sure you realize that this gives you a great deal in common with Boston fans pre-Red Sox championship (Patriots' Super Bowl success being nice for them but not alleviating any inferiority complex).

While you are probably right that the Browns will start a very ugly 0-2 and won't have much of a season, I think it will have more to do with the lack of a decent defensive backfield than the fact that the team represents Cleveland. Sure the fans will be demoralized, but the players don't really give a fuck where they are playing. And for that reason, along with the building blocks they have in place, I think that reasonably soon Cleveland will be a good team and a decent franchise.

As a Falcons fan/Atlanta resident I see how quickly success can turn into failure can turn into success can turn into catastrophic failure can turn into hope can turn into possible success. After the season the Falcons had last year, with the jailing of superstar/Atlanta's savior Michael Vick and the hasty exodus of bitch-ass Bobby Petrino, the Falcons have no right to even entertain the possibility of resurgence, much less be 1-0 and the greatest team to ever grace a football field:).

p.s. that last sentence and the suggestion that Cleveland could win the Super Bowl a la the Giants of '07 were both jokes

p.p.s. Atlanta says Boston can eat a bowl of dick up

DocZeus said...

"I'm sure you realize that this gives you a great deal in common with Boston fans pre-Red Sox championship (Patriots' Super Bowl success being nice for them but not alleviating any inferiority complex)."

Yes, but I've always felt (and I feel the same way about Cubs fan as well what with their great Bulls and Bears teams) that Boston shouldn't have been bitching about the Red Sox in the first place. The Celtics have won 17 championships in their history and that's about 15 more championships than the entirety of Cleveland has won. It irked me even before the Red Sox won it all to hear their tales of woe because it always felt to me like it was somebody complaining about simply being hungry to a holocaust victim.

"While you are probably right that the Browns will start a very ugly 0-2 and won't have much of a season, I think it will have more to do with the lack of a decent defensive backfield than the fact that the team represents Cleveland. Sure the fans will be demoralized, but the players don't really give a fuck where they are playing. And for that reason, along with the building blocks they have in place, I think that reasonably soon Cleveland will be a good team and a decent franchise."

Personally, I believe there is very real psychological connection between a city and the team that plays for it. A team's tradition and history belong to the fans and the city that team resides in so in a way the players on a team will always be a collection of hired guns so in a way, the city is the team no matter who is on it. So if the fans in a city has a tradition of losing and that permeates itself almost by osmosis into the players's psyches and it doesn't matter who is playing. You can almost feel it in the stadium air that something is bad going to happen and that affects the players.

XTheHazardous1X said...

Thats pretty funny somebody from cleveland is talking shit about boston. Ohio sports fucking suck. Browns are what color they are shit. The bengals are fucking shit. Osu gives head to poor people. Tom brady has more money then the whole poor black city of cleveland. The patriots won more games in the past 5 seasons then the browns will in 10. Fuck ohio. Fuck Cleveland. Tom brady is at home sitting on his 100.000$ couch. Watching is 75.000$ tv. in his 5 million dollor mansion. While your sitting in your 15$ a month apartment paying your mother or kids walfare check. fucking bums fuck you......