"Dedicated To The Winners & The Losers..." - Raekwon

Friday, June 20, 2008

What I Imagine G-Unit's Terminate On Sight To Sound Like Without Actually Having Heard It

"In this photo, the boys prepare to invade Iran using nothing but duct tape and grappling hooks."

The last time we heard an album from the dastardly villain, 50 Cent and his weed toting minions, he had been defeated by the Allied Forces of Real Hip Hop lead by General Kanye Omari West after cutting off the One Ring from Curtis’ treacherous finger thus freeing the people of Middle Earth from the tyranny of 50’s tragic food-sex metaphor radio dominance…or something like that. It was the first truly public blow to 50’s commercial dominance and marked the official end to the 50 Cent era of rap music. The King is dead! Long Live the King….

However, like any good Hollywood villain, you can’t keep Jason Voorhees down forever and 50 Cent returned to the scene firing with all weapons loaded releasing a bunch of popular mixtapes through his ubiquitous social-networking website, ThisIs50.com, that were seen as return to G-Unit’s mixtape gutter roots by his long-time fans and apologists. I could not give a bigger shit. 50 Cent has long past made music that was even remotely salvageable ( “I Get Money’s” inexplicable transcendent ass aside ) so the thought of 50 Cent making even more violent socially reprehensible garbage over the beats to “Dey Know” and “A Millie” wasn’t exactly going to pique my decidedly prurient interests.( I had Wale’s mixtapes to listen and Lil’ Wayne’s abortions to hate on! A man has to balance his priorities.) So it came as something of a shock that in between kicking Young Buck out of G-Unit and burning the mother of his own child’s house town (*allegedly*, of course), that G-Unit was planning on releasing their long-anticipated follow-up (as fucking if…) to their debut record called “Terminate On Sight.”

Never one to waste the opportunity to joyously hate on some people I’ve never met and iare more successful than I am, I have decided to do one of my patented reviews on G-Unit’s new album where I review the album without actually having heard a note of it. I am doing this review track-by-track Byron Crawford-style for my own personal convenience. Enjoy and as usual like with all of my reviews fictional or otherwise, this should be treated as the 100% gospel truth about this album. I will not accept dissent to the contrary.

1. “Straight Outta Southside” – Ok, I admit it. I have actually heard this one. It’s actually kind of awesome. It sounds like vintage N.W.A. in both it’s sonics and general sense of ignorance. This apparently was billed as a “Sean Bell Tribute” but other than Yayo shouting “fuck the police who killed Sean Bell” there isn’t a lot of poignant social commentary on this song. In fact, I’m pretty sure Yayo screaming “fuck the police” is about as socially poignant as Tony Yayo is even capable of.

2. “Piano Man” – This song is either 50’s heartfelt tribute to his fanboy love of William Joseph Martin Joel or a concept song about selling cocaine much like the time that Young Jeezy was writing his verse to the “Can’t Tell Me Nothin’” Remix and noticed that the keys on a grand piano were white and thus another cocaine metaphor was born!

3. “Close To Me” – This is a Tony Yayo solo ballad about his unspoken and unrequited love for 50 and how the world can never possibly understand the special bond they feel for each other. There is definitely a vocoder involved in this one. This is an album highlight.

4. “Rider Pt. 2” – I don’t particularly remember Rider Part One so I can’t imagine the song was that good to begin with. Maybe, it’s like that time where Cam’ron made a remix to “Get ‘Em Girls” on “Killa Season” and forgot the name of the original song so he just called it “Get ‘Em Daddy” instead because he had smoked himself functionally retarded at that point, anyway.
Yeah, that’s it.

5. “Casualties Of War” – This is definitely a song about all of 50’s fallen soldiers that never got to release an album on G-Unit because 50 was too busy doing his taxes. There is probably somebody like Lyfe Jennings or some other shitty third-rate R&B singer crooning a chorus about how much he misses his homies. Homo eroticism abounds.

6. “You So Tough” – This song is apparently the one where 50 Cent goes in on T.I. for snitching to the feds for beating the rap about the time that Tip decided to purchase a Jericho missile from the terrorists who captured Tony Stark. I’m sure the irony went right over Curtis’ head that the start of his career was based being nearly shot to death for snitching on Supreme Griffith. I’m pretty sure Yayo makes a reference to his penchant for beating the shit out of fourteen year old boys on this song as well.

7. “No Days Off” – This one features Young Buck. I’ll let the irony of Young Buck appearing on a song called “No Days Off” marinate a little for you…. Ok, that’s enough. I’m guessing this song about Lloyd Banks love for toting 50’s Louis Vuitton bags through airports.

8. “T.O.S. (Terminate On Sight)” – Hey now! It’s the titular song of the album. This one probably uses a lot of G-Unified synthesizers and is produced by some fifth rate Dre Clone. I’m sure there about eight thousand references to killing people on this song. Come to think of it though? How awesome would this song be if it sampled the “Terminator Theme”? Why hasn’t there been any rap songs that sample the “Terminator” anyway? It seems like a pretty obvious choice. Dipset get on that one.

9. “I Like The Way She Do It” – Ah, yes! It’s the lead single designed to make it seem like G-Unit likes the company of women. I’ve miraculously managed to not hear this song yet so I’m guessing this one is particularly heinous if even the sycophantic 50 nut-huggers at Hot 97 haven’t been playing this one. You know how, the deejays in New York likes to get on their knees and service 50’s ball sack.

10. “Kitty Kat” – Oh, god! Please tell me this is not one of 50’s patented food-sex metaphor songs. I mean comparing a Kit Kat bar to a black woman’s vagina is kind of low even for 50. I don’t even want to think about this. Next!

11. “The Party Ain’t Over” – Ha! This one features Young Buck, too! I’m dying from laughter here. It’s like 50 purposely placed his vocals on songs that would instantly remind people that Buck’s been Diamond Dave’d out of Van Halen. Touché, 50. Touché.

12. “Let It Go” – This is 50’s message song towards the Game about giving up his creepy obsession with him and Dr. Dre. I mean it’s been three years and you’re still pissed off about Dr. Dre not returning any of your phone calls. I mean being kicked off the Titanic before it hit the iceberg has been the best possible career move for Jayceon. Dude, just let it go.

13. “Get Down” – Congratulations, G-Unit! You’ve made the one millionth song on a rap album called “Get Down”! Tell ‘em, Vanna, what they’ve won! A fully paid vacation to Flop Land, Pat! Yay! I’ll eat a whole coterie of haberdashery if this version is better than Nas’.

14. “I Don’t Wanna Talk About It” – This song is about the numerous times that Tony Yayo was gang raped in the joint while the first album was being released. Prodigy guest features on this one.

15. “Ready Or Not” - If this song does not feature an Enya-sample and have a guest appearance from Lauryn Hill than I’m gonna be pissed off on principle There are some songs in the canon you just do not fuck with.

16. “Money Make The World Go Round” – A shitter version of “C.R.E.A.M.” I’m actually kind of amazed an entire G-Unit album goes around and on the last song, they make song about money. I’m proud of these guys.

Final Verdict: There is no way in hell this album is going to be any good. Lloyd Banks is a shell of his former self if that’s even possible. 50 Cent has long since past pretending to give a crap about his music so I know he’s not going to be turning in any inspiring verses and the choice to fill in Buck’s position in the group with Yayo has to be one of the most awful in a string of awful artistic decisions that Curtis has ever made. All kidding aside, I’m pretty much guaranteeing this will end up near the top of my worst albums list this year right next to Trilla and Common’s impending apocalypse.

Adjusted Pitchfork Rating: 2.5


Madman said...

I agree

tray said...

This one probably uses a lot of G-Unified synthesizers and is produced by some fifth rate Dre Clone.

You know Dre's a fifth-rate Dre Clone now, right? Anyway, of course the album will be bad but Rider Pt. 2 does feature the best use of autotune in a rap song since the whole craze started, which... isn't saying much, but seriously, the hook kills. The rest, not so much. And I stridently object to the stuff about Kanye in the beginning, Graduation was terrible. The real pop-rap classic of the past couple years was Press Play. Fact.

Ass Hat said...

excellent stuff.

does 'toss' have rude connotations in the states? as an englishman, i find that album cover extremely funny.

ByronTheBulb said...

"Maybe, it’s like that time where Cam’ron made a remix to “Get ‘Em Girls” on “Killa Season” and forgot the name of the original song so he just called it “Get ‘Em Daddy” instead"

There actually was an original "Get 'Em Daddy." It's most notable for the intro, which features the line "They say beauty's in the eye of the beholder, that's why I look in the mirror every morning and realize how fly I am."

padraig said...

"How awesome would this song be if it sampled the “Terminator Theme”? Why hasn’t there been any rap songs that sample the “Terminator” anyway?"

I've actually been thinking for this for the last few months ever since I watched "Terminator" for the 1st time in forever (my girl had never seen it; I know, I was bewildered too). thing is, the "Terminator Theme" is way too stripped-down & minimal for it to be flipped like your run-of-the-mill shitty mid-80s soft/synth rock a la MF Doom or Dipset. actually, it's right up El-P's alley; I can easily see him slapping some dissonant minor-key melody on as a counterpoint & coming up with another slice of dystopian genius/pretentious nonsense.

what "Terminator Theme" is really begging for, though, is a remix/update by some well-respected, tasteful minimal house/techno producer. it's almost up there with like Juan Atkins & early Chicago house as far as being ahead of its' time. I remember being kind of amazed that it barely sounded dated, esp. given how poorly most electronic music tends to age.

DocZeus said...


I was actually thinking more of the Terminator 2 theme which is slightly more grandiose than the '80s original when I said that. It seems like something Dipset would jump all over due their love for over-the-top operatic samples.

The original one might be awesome if somehow you could incorporate the metallic drums in them, though. You're right I think El-P would be perfect to flip that.

Tony Yayo's Bucket Hat said...

Not funny...

DocZeus said...

"Not funny..."

Ah, man. Does Lloyd Bank's chin, at least, approve?

padraig said...

doc - ah. I guess I can see that; the T2 theme doesn't stick in my head nearly as much, which is probably better as far as reworking it into a beat. those drums in the original are just so forceful it seems like they'd overwhelm most rappers' flows, which is why they'd work perfectly over that el-p (more in the company flow days)/aesop rock style of kinda cryptically half-mumbling a jumble of words super fast over fairly minimal drums & random noise. which of course is a love/hate thing with most people. plus, you know, it's about a dystopian sci-future, which is even more lame/awesome for having been made like 25 yrs ago in that awesome early 80s futurism kinda way, like the early experimental days of synth pop (before it got all shitty in the mid-80s). to relate it to hip hop, hopefully w/out sounding like too much of a wanker, I'm sure there's an essay waiting to be written that ties this up w/stuff like; P-Funk mothership & all their vocoder/electro funk children being one of the twin pillars on which hip hop is founded (the other of course being the Funky President) esp. OutKast updating their whole cosmic funk thing, Bambaataa sampling Kraftwerk, techno being "invented" by 3 middle class black guys from a suburb of Detroit, the Bomb Squad, and so on. sorry to ramble, I'm just one of those fairly nerdy white guy music heads who can't help but be fascinated by the Afrofuturism in music, esp. since it probably informs the majority of the stuff I'm really into. anyway. yeah, I'd say someone flipping the T2 theme is still a little ways off - it usually takes ~20 years for that stuff to cycle through.

Trey Stone said...

i think you thinking that "I Get Money" (which gives me a headache) is great and my view that "Ayo Technology" is the only decent song on Curtis pretty much sums up our differences in taste. namely that i listen exclusively to occasionally fruity (yet still cool, guys just act too good to admit it) Timbaland/Neptunes shit and you're big into that "gutter" raw hip hop vibe.

it's all good though, even if you're still letting your silly "i'm a serious hater, except i'm joking"/Wayneophobia (errr...no homo?) deal cloud your judgment on his awesome album (only worthwile rap that's dropped besides parts of Snoop's this year.) alright...i'll let it go, but the blogamog's reaction to it tells me that people're just stuck on picking at the guy's flaws and bigging up lesser-known guys. and i agreed that parts of the guy's mixtapes were let off easy.

ah but whatever. keep bumpin' your crusty-old man throwback rap, lol

Trey Stone said...

"exclusively" being an exaggeration of course. or is it

tray said...

I think "I Get Money" is a little overrated, Ayo Technology is decent but, like everyone says, sounds like a FutureSex/LoveSounds reject, Smile's one of the 20 or so best songs of 2007, I'll Still Kill is interesting, and Fire's probably 50's best for-the-clubs song since In The Club. Worthwhile listen just for the "you can hate it but face it, B.I.G. and Tupac just ain't around" line. And everything else is pretty forgettable.

Trey Stone said...

the beat on "I'll Still Kill" is trash, everything about "Fire" is trash. sorry but i can't take anyone seriously who thinks that's somehow better than Graduation. just means you're trying too hard

Trey Stone said...

i should add, not really trying to get into an inter-Treay war where we're the only ones posting here. just saying.

i'm out

brandon said...

It's not quite a 'Terminator' theme sample but don't sleep on 'Terminator' by Kid Frost!

tray said...

I don't like a single song on Graduation. Maybe Homecoming and Barry Bonds are okay. No, Barry Bonds would be a good song if not for Wayne. But that's really it. Flashing Lights... I mean what was the idea, let's make the worst pseudo-house beat ever, record the worst two verses in the history of rap ever, make the most annoying hook ever, and wrap it all together in one shit sandwich? What was the goal on Can't Tell Me Nothing, get in the Guinness Book of World Records as the first rapper to get outshined by an ad-lib? It's such an awful album.

DocZeus said...

"Curtis" is just pretty much uniformly awful.

"Ayo Technology" would be serviceable as album filler on FutureSexLoveSounds and just simply ok if 50's vocals and awful verse doesn't completely ruin it. I liked "I Still Kill" better the first two times when they were done by Young Jeezy and Rick Ross and I don't even like "Soul Survivor" or "Cross That Line."

And as for "Fire", I think I listened to it once and I was not impressed.

It's a ridiculous assertion to suggest that "Graduation" is a worse album than "Curtis" even if you think the album was bad. "Curtis" was completely worthless outside of "I Get Money."

Jordan said...

'Curtis' is better than 'The Massacre' though. I don't care if Disco D died, Ski Mask Way isn't that good, and the rest of that album is damn horrible. It makes sense that tray likes Fiddy, he is the Richard Nixon of the rap game.

Trey Stone said...

but dude, Massacre has "Disco Inferno." that > all Curtis

plus Massacre has that soul-sampling stretch where it's still pretty bad, but it's more sleep-inducing than awful (the rest of the album)

tray, again you're trying too hard. just because something is "Euro" (and unlike most Eurotrash, may be generalizing but whatever, "Flashing Lights" has rhythm) does not make it bad. and i recently saw 'Ye in concert. anyone who wasn't up and totally into "Can't Tell Me Nothing" at that is probably the most boring person ever.

Jordan said...

You like Disco Inferno? Wasn't that like the third In Da Club ripoff?

DocZeus said...

I don't know about Curtis being better than the Massacre. The Massacre had at least four or five songs that were decent.

Jordan said...

Name 'em, Doc, it's been a while.

DocZeus said...

Umm, I guess "In My Hood", "Get In My Car", "Ryder Music", "Ski Mask Way" and the "Hate It Or Love It (Remix)". I also like the "Outta Control (Remix" but that's not on the album I believe.

Trey Stone said...

i actually like "Disco Inferno" better than "In da Club" to be honest with you. granted Curtis raps better on the latter and yeah it's the same idea, but that beat on "Disco Inferno" is sick. "In da Club's" beat is cool to but it's a little too much on the generic "hot" side of things after a while, "If I Can't" and "21 Questions" are better.

i'd co-sign the "Hate It or Love It" remix and "Outta Control" remixes, but the only thing is the original "Hate" is better and yeah, the "Outta Control" remix isn't on the album. those other ones are just boring those. i don't even really like Kweli and i'll say that signing to G-Unit made Hi-Tek into some fake-West Coast hack.

Trey Stone said...

man i'm making a shyteload of typos lately. ah well

Madman said...

What about "A Baltimore Love Thing"?

tray said...

The Massacre had a number of good songs, though it's not a good album by any means. And yeah, RN's my favorite politician ever. Not that I'm a huge fan of any of his policies, just an interesting guy. But anyway, one of them would be Gunz Come Out. Tragically slept-on song. As for Flashing Lights, just because something is Euro does not make it bad, this is true, but there is bad Euro. Or really lazy Euro-flipping (that would be Stronger). Can't Tell Me Nothing... he had a decent idea for a hook, but when he starts rapping the song goes to pieces. No flow - he literally pauses for 5 seconds between each line, terrible, terrible lyrics (the Devil wears Prada crap, fixing your lips like collagen)... but the main problem with Graduation is he has absolutely nothing left to say. Before he used to do the poignant Spaceship shit, mixed in with the occasionally insightful social critique and a decent sense of humor. By the time he made LR, he already had nothing left to say, but partly made up for it by putting together one of the best collections of guest verses in rap history. Then on Graduation he wanted to prove that he was actually a decent rapper or something, so he lost the guests and what you're left with is an hour of this boring fruit talking about what clothes he wears. Which isn't per se a bad thing, I could listen to Ghostface rap about Clarks for hours, but you have to have some, you know, talent to pull that off. Kanye doesn't.

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