The last time we heard an album from the dastardly villain, 50 Cent and his weed toting minions, he had been defeated by the Allied Forces of Real Hip Hop lead by General Kanye Omari West after cutting off the One Ring from Curtis’ treacherous finger thus freeing the people of Middle Earth from the tyranny of 50’s tragic food-sex metaphor radio dominance…or something like that. It was the first truly public blow to 50’s commercial dominance and marked the official end to the 50 Cent era of rap music. The King is dead! Long Live the King….
However, like any good Hollywood villain, you can’t keep Jason Voorhees down forever and 50 Cent returned to the scene firing with all weapons loaded releasing a bunch of popular mixtapes through his ubiquitous social-networking website, ThisIs50.com, that were seen as return to G-Unit’s mixtape gutter roots by his long-time fans and apologists. I could not give a bigger shit. 50 Cent has long past made music that was even remotely salvageable ( “I Get Money’s” inexplicable transcendent ass aside ) so the thought of 50 Cent making even more violent socially reprehensible garbage over the beats to “Dey Know” and “A Millie” wasn’t exactly going to pique my decidedly prurient interests.( I had Wale’s mixtapes to listen and Lil’ Wayne’s abortions to hate on! A man has to balance his priorities.) So it came as something of a shock that in between kicking Young Buck out of G-Unit and burning the mother of his own child’s house town (*allegedly*, of course), that G-Unit was planning on releasing their long-anticipated follow-up (as fucking if…) to their debut record called “Terminate On Sight.”
Never one to waste the opportunity to joyously hate on some people I’ve never met and iare more successful than I am, I have decided to do one of my patented reviews on G-Unit’s new album where I review the album without actually having heard a note of it. I am doing this review track-by-track Byron Crawford-style for my own personal convenience. Enjoy and as usual like with all of my reviews fictional or otherwise, this should be treated as the 100% gospel truth about this album. I will not accept dissent to the contrary.
2. “Piano Man” – This song is either 50’s heartfelt tribute to his fanboy love of William Joseph Martin Joel or a concept song about selling cocaine much like the time that Young Jeezy was writing his verse to the “Can’t Tell Me Nothin’” Remix and noticed that the keys on a grand piano were white and thus another cocaine metaphor was born!
3. “Close To Me” – This is a Tony Yayo solo ballad about his unspoken and unrequited love for 50 and how the world can never possibly understand the special bond they feel for each other. There is definitely a vocoder involved in this one. This is an album highlight.
4. “Rider Pt. 2” – I don’t particularly remember Rider Part One so I can’t imagine the song was that good to begin with. Maybe, it’s like that time where Cam’ron made a remix to “Get ‘Em Girls” on “Killa Season” and forgot the name of the original song so he just called it “Get ‘Em Daddy” instead because he had smoked himself functionally retarded at that point, anyway.
Yeah, that’s it.
5. “Casualties Of War” – This is definitely a song about all of 50’s fallen soldiers that never got to release an album on G-Unit because 50 was too busy doing his taxes. There is probably somebody like Lyfe Jennings or some other shitty third-rate R&B singer crooning a chorus about how much he misses his homies. Homo eroticism abounds.
6. “You So Tough” – This song is apparently the one where 50 Cent goes in on T.I. for snitching to the feds for beating the rap about the time that Tip decided to purchase a Jericho missile from the terrorists who captured Tony Stark. I’m sure the irony went right over
7. “No Days Off” – This one features Young Buck. I’ll let the irony of Young Buck appearing on a song called “No Days Off” marinate a little for you…. Ok, that’s enough. I’m guessing this song about
8. “T.O.S. (Terminate On Sight)” – Hey now! It’s the titular song of the album. This one probably uses a lot of G-Unified synthesizers and is produced by some fifth rate Dre Clone. I’m sure there about eight thousand references to killing people on this song. Come to think of it though? How awesome would this song be if it sampled the “Terminator Theme”? Why hasn’t there been any rap songs that sample the “Terminator” anyway? It seems like a pretty obvious choice. Dipset get on that one.
11. “The Party Ain’t Over” – Ha! This one features Young Buck, too! I’m dying from laughter here. It’s like 50 purposely placed his vocals on songs that would instantly remind people that
12. “Let It Go” – This is 50’s message song towards the Game about giving up his creepy obsession with him and
13. “Get Down” – Congratulations, G-Unit! You’ve made the one millionth song on a rap album called “Get Down”! Tell ‘em, Vanna, what they’ve won! A fully paid vacation to Flop Land, Pat! Yay! I’ll eat a whole coterie of haberdashery if this version is better than Nas’.
14. “I Don’t Wanna Talk About It” – This song is about the numerous times that Tony Yayo was gang raped in the joint while the first album was being released. Prodigy guest features on this one.
15. “Ready Or Not” - If this song does not feature an Enya-sample and have a guest appearance from Lauryn Hill than I’m gonna be pissed off on principle There are some songs in the canon you just do not fuck with.
16. “Money Make The World Go Round” – A shitter version of “C.R.E.A.M.” I’m actually kind of amazed an entire G-Unit album goes around and on the last song, they make song about money. I’m proud of these guys.
Final Verdict: There is no way in hell this album is going to be any good.
Adjusted Pitchfork Rating: 2.5