As an avid Cleveland sports fan and defender of all that is right and holy in the world, the upcoming Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals has to be the worst possible thing that has happened to me since the Baltimore Ravens won the Super Bowl in 2000. An event that burns me slow in the deep in the dark recesses of my soul like a potent strain of Nas' Jay-Z slaying ether. The pain from the aftermath of this unholy, cruel event is going to leave deep and dark psychological scars for the rest of my life as I'm forced to wrestle with the cruel nature of existence and God's destructive, selfish apathy.
I'm a Cleveland sports fan and have seen nothing but pain and misery in my life when it comes to rooting for my favorite sports teams. Three generations of Cleveland sports fanatics, 42 yearss to be exact, have not experienced the unimaginable joy of watching one of our teams win the big one which is the the greatest strain of sports futility ever. Since I have never gotten to experience winning the big one, the only joy that I have is watching the teams that I loathe with a passion lose. This year, I won't even get that small consolation.
Two thirds of the Unholy Trinity Of Sports, the Boston Celtics and Kobe Bryant are going to win another damn championship this year and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. What's worse I knew this was coming when David Stern manufactured two of the worst trades in sports history to two formerly moribund "premiere" franchises and nobody was screaming shenigans. (I mean seriously, Pau Gasol for Kwame Brown? Pau Gasol For Kwame Brown? That's the best you can do Memphis?! Fuck you.)
This just hurts my soul because I can't even convince myself successfuly to root for one team or the other. Normaly, when there is a team that I absolutely loathe with the passions of a thosand suns, I can, at least, root for the team that is playing against them to win. I never had a broader smile on my face when the Detroit Pistons proved Kobe Bryant to be the team crushing fraud that he is in 2004. I'm just going to sit there watching this series with a look of abject and complete horror on my face as either the entitled, noxious Boston sports fanbase is gifted another completely undeserved championship (after a complete sweetheart of deal from a former Celtics great) or Kobe Bryant, the most joyless, soul-sucking person to ever lace up a pair of sneakers, is going to win another championship proving that there is no God.
The only way this could be possibly worse is if the New York Yankees were somehow prominently involved. (Derek Jeter isn't a Lakers fan, right?! Please, tell me that he's not a Lakers fan!! )
All I can hope for is that collusion between David Stern and the Lakers and Celtics in forcing Memphis and Minnesota into those horrific, bullshit trades is proven by an industrious member of the media and the 2007-2008 NBA season wiped from the official record books. Chuck Phillips, where are you?