"If meat is murder, then murder tastes delicious..."
Beef. It seems it's the lifeblood of hip hop these days. Rappers, for as long as the hills have stood, can't seem to get along. True, over the years, their have been some classic beefs that has produced some classic music but it seems these days, hip hop beef has veered into more and more of the ridiculous. Witness the latest beef du jour that has gotten the internets buzzing in all of their ignorant glory, Soulja Boy versus The GZA. Soulja Boy, the dude responsible for some of the worst hip hop music in recent history, has apparently taken offense to some comments that GZA made at a concert in London where GZA, apparently drunk off his ass on East Indian Pale Ale, decided to ask the crowd whether or not they were feeling Soulja Boy are not. The Europeans, proving once again, they have infinitely better taste than their (southern) American cousins, promptly said "Hell The Fuck No!" and then proceeded to storm off and invade Poland. That should have been the end of the situation but a few Soulja Boy stans, mistaking Soulja as anything other than a talentless teen idol, got their panties in a twist and decided that GZA was responsible for the tastes of the crowd which prompted in many GZA Lost posts on message boards across the globe. Of course to anybody who is paying attention realizes this situation is just one ridiculous farce, as Soulja Boy literally can't hold U-God's book of rhymes let alone GZA's, which plays on the age old quarrel between the generations over the direction of hip hop. However, it did get me thinking about some of the stupidest beefs in hip hop history and so now I present to you five of the lamest, most ignorant, mind boggling stupid beefs of all-time. And per course with my lists, in no particular order.
5. Dipset Vs. Lil' Cease (2006)
One aspect of hip hop that has always struck me as the highest of high comedy is butter soft rappers calling out other butter soft rappers for being butter soft. It's as if once they get famous, they completely lose their sense of irony and forget the fact they sold as many kilos of cocaine as Al Pacino did i.e. only in their weeded out and delusional imaginations. Cam'ron, one of the true icons of hip hop unintentional comedy, has been making completely unbelievable tales of his days as the Tony Montana of Harlem for years and has been selling it to various short bus squaders for years. Lil' Cease, apparently taking offense to this (and being upset that despite being Biggie's number one weed carrier for life he isn't as famous as Cam), decided to release a tape of Jim Jones getting his ass beat by Junior M.A.F.I.A. in their salad days while Cam'ron does the hundred yard dash out of Rucker Park. This set off a bickering match across the thugged out world of YouTube between the two factions as they both debated who or who wasn't a snitch or something to that affect. Needless to say, everybody involved came across as incredibly stupid and childish. Hilarity ensued for the rest of us.
4. Lil' Wayne Vs. The Clipse (2006 - Present)
Hip hop fashion has a long sordid history of truly hideous fashion trends. Whether, it was the shiny suits of Puffy and Mase or the retina blowing rainbow color hues of the Afro-centric phase, there has been lot of clothing styles that can only be described with one word...abortion. However, the hideously gaudy and overpriced Bathing Ape clothes is quite possibly the ugliest clothes ever to be sported in hip hop history. You would think that the rappers who sport these abominations would take a look in the mirror, go into seizure and then burn every copy of a photo that was ever taken of them in these creations but no... Apparently, recognition as the originators of rocking this style is a title coveted enough that otherwise sensible rappers would openly beef over this which is exactly what Clipse and Lil' Wayne have decided to do. Beefing over Clothes...Decidedly Not Gangsta. This almost enough to completely erase any dubious artistic achievement either faction can claim.
3. 50 Cent Vs. Fat Joe/Jadakiss (2005 - Present)
Since Curtis Jackson's ascension to the top of the hip hop mountain, 50 Cent has become the poster child for all-things "beef." King 50, quite memorably, did the whole world a huge public service by "ending" Ja Rule's career back in 2003 and since then has issued a binding decree that nobody is allowed to work with Ja Rule unless he wants to incur the wrath of G-Unit Nation and all his loyal obsessed stans. Jadakiss and Fat Joe, apparently, not realizing the seriousness of this decree collaborated with Rule for 2004's "New York," a song that shook Curtis to his core for such brazen disrespect to his reign. 50 Cent in his all of his ignorant glory released the scathingly weak diss track "Piggy Bank" in promotion for his quintuple platinum abortion, The Massacre, and we were off to one of the stupidest beefs in recent history. What always struck me as particularly lame about this beef was that it was so childish on 50 Cent's part. Are you that bitter at Ja Rule for taking the attention of Supreme back in your halcyon days that you are going to beef with anybody that associates with him. Grow up, Curtis.
2. Timbaland Vs. Scott Storch (2007 - Present)
There are no words to accurately describe that video above. Scott Storch redefines both unintentional comedy and douchebaggery in one swift stroke. Storch's beef with Timbaland surrounds the fact that Storch got pissed that he didn't receive co-production credit for Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River." Scott Storch being a whiny little bitch publicly whined about this in a bunch of magazines and Timbaland chose to respond by coyly tossing a few subliminal shots in his video to "Give It 2 Me." Storch, apparently, not realizing that he's neither a rapper nor a gangster or that he's a freaky looking, plastic-faced Jewish kid from the suburbs of Canada, decided he was gonna respond with the abomination above. Hilarity and embarrassment ensued. Nobody tangentially involved with this beef should have a career after this.
1. Nelly Vs. Chingy (2003-2005)
There is stupid. There is stupid. And there is beefing over the pronouncing of the syllable "er." So it has come to this hip hop? We are beefing over accents now. Chingy and Nelly who are basically the same cornball pop rapper right down to the fact, they are both from St. Louis and both make the same kind of trite pop abortions started beefing over who invented the word "Derrty" in 2004 after the release of Chingy's first album and the his hit song, "Right Thurr". Nelly, apparently, thought pronouncing "there"as "thurr" was way too close to his famous enunciation of the word "here" from his uber-popular song "Hot In Herre" and thought the best way to solve this was publicly call out Ching-A-Ling for this unforgivable infraction. This is so childish in so many ways that I don't even know where to begin. First off, seriously? And second off, seeerrriously? Sometimes it's hard justifying being a fan of hip hop when bullshit like this happens. I guess, we're lucky nobody got shot to death. Just goes to show in St. Louis....the fucking shit is real.
* I'm pretty sure there are some ridiculously cheesy beefs pre-2002 but my knowledge of the minutiae of hip hop culture prior to 96/97 is somewhat limited due to the fact that I'm twenty-four so please feel free to remind me about some. Was there ever a Skee-Lo/Sir Mix-A-Lot beef by any chance? Because that would be awesome...