It’s that time of year, ladies and gentlemen - err... actually, more like gentlemen and gentlemen...Well, more than likely...Hi, Mom! - the time of year when there is magic in the air. Christmas carols float ethereally over the radio warming the cold and broken hearts of the masses, people give their change willingly to drunken hobos on the street not out of fear or annoyance but because of the goodness in their hearts and a bunch of self-righteous (“not a”) bloggers with too much time on their hands make lists of the things that they think is the best. Yes, it's List Season, folks and I couldn’t be more excited. I plan to do like a three part series over the next couple of weeks as the year draws to a dramatic and hopefully spectacular close so As I have stated on numerous occasions before I am not a blogger so I will start by bucking the trend and posting the things that drew my considerable ire the most this year.
And what a year it was for hip hop that was bad. I mean for a large, significant portion of the year, the best album that was released was by the Desiccated Corpse Formerly Known As Prodigy so you can just imagine how much I had to lower my standards to keep myself from listening to (god forbid...) “rock” music. I shudder thinking about it. Anyway, here’s my list of the worst of aural ear bleeders...Be warned.
Top 10 Worst Rap Songs Of The Year
10. Kanye West Feat. Mos Def - Drunk & Hot Girls
What?! It’s 2007 and a song that features a Mos Def guest shot is the worst song on your otherwise great album? You’re kidding me? I’m shocked! SHOCKED! I tell you!!! You mean the man that brought us the slightly retarded black guy with the heart of Gold from “16 Blocks” and “The New Danger” could help ruin your album? I don’t believe it. I refuse to believe it. I won’t believe it. Seriously, though, what the hell was Kanye thinking with this song? A slow, boring pretentious mess. C’mon now.
9. USDA - Corporate Thuggin’
Quick Math Equation: Young Jeezy + Untalented Weed Carriers + Budget Ass Production = Abortion. Uggh.
8. Ja Rule - Body
Just when you thought Lil’ Wayne and Baby’s shirtless XXL cover had beaten Hip Hop’s all-time record for homo-eroticism, here comes the defending champion, Jeffrey “Ja Rule” Atkins, swooping in like Tobey Maguire to save the day. Oh, Jeffrey! Oh how have we absolutely not missed you so?
7. Wu-Tang Clan - Sunshine
RZA...RZA...RZA...there is a time and a place for a slow, abstract, off beat, off key rant about your weird and confusing religious mysticism and it’s called a Bobby Digital album. Please take note and keep this far, far away from any future Wu-Tang Clan album that the rest of the Clan may or may not allow you on. This ain’t ‘97 no more, Bobby, and this ain’t Wu-Tang Forever. We aren’t gonna tolerate this shit. Just bring da ruckus from now on. Thanks.
6. Jay-Z Feat. Pharell - I Know
And for the sixth consecutive album the worst song on a Jay-Z record is produced by....THE NEPTUNES!!! Let’s give them all a standing ovation for consistent achievement in consistent sucking. Why does this keep happening? “Give It 2 Me” isn’t even that great of a song. Pharell must have slept with Jigga and he has pictures. Only explanation.
5. 50 Cent Feat. Justin Timberlake - Ayo Technology
I don’t hold Timbaland in high regard as some but I’ll give him credit for one thing. Timmy selling a third rate rejected beat from FutureSexLoveSounds to 50 Cent and getting him to think this was gonna be a huge hit has got to make him a genius in some form or another. 50 Cent manages to get eaten up by Justin Timberlake on his own record. Good job there, Curt.
4. Yung Berg Feat. Jim Jones & Rich Boy - Sexy Lady (Remix)
The original one was terrible enough. Some random ass R&B singer singing through a vocoder, bootleg Scott Storch synths, Yung Berg...but when you add Joseph Guillermo “You All Still Remember Ballin’ Right? That Was A Big Hit!” Jones and Mr. I Look Like An Alien With Down Syndrome himself, Rich Boy. You get a song that’s off the charts bad.
3. Mims - This Is Why I’m Hot
Let me present to you the Good Doctor Zeus’ Guide To Telling If You Are Douche bag:
A. Do you have “This Is Why I’m Hot” As Your Ring tone?
B. Yes? Then you are a douche bag.
2. Soulja Boy Tell’ Em - Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)
This year’s “Ballin’”. Enough fucking said. Yoooouuuu need to stop making Yooouuuutube videos with yoouuuuu doing that stupid dance. Youuuu look like a jackass.
1. 50 Cent - Amusement Park
There is bad. There is bad. And then there is “Amusement Park.” 50 Cent manages to top himself in terms of sheer awfulness. The audio equivalent of “2 Girls, 1 Cup.” *Shudders*
Top 10 Worst Rap Albums Of The Year
10. Young Jeezy Presents U.S.D.A. - Cold Summer
Another math equation: Thug Motivation 101 - Def Jam’s Marketing Team + More Blood Raw & Slick Pulla = Tax Write-Off Weed Carrier Extravaganza. I downloaded this album specifically to hate on it. I was not disappointed. Just bad, bad, bad.
9. Boyz N Da Hood - Back Up N Da Chevy
Yet another math equation: Boyz N Da Hood - Young Jeezy + Gorilla Zoe = No One Giving a Fuck. Why did this have to happen? Is Puffy that desperate for a hit these days that he’ll release an album by Young Jeezy’s Rejected Weed Carriers. Seriously, these guys were so bad that Young “The Lyrical Miracle” Jeezy ditched these guys as if they were Pete Best or something. What made them think that replacing Jeezy with a 5th rate clone like Gorilla Zoe was a good idea. I swear to god somebody needs to hire me at a label as a Common Sense Consultant.
8. Havoc - The Kush
This album is about eight years, too late. It shows.
7. Crunchy Black - From Me To You
I haven’t heard this album and have no desire to it but I can be rest assured that this is one of the worst releases this year. I was just shocked that somebody allowed Crunchy Black to release a solo record. I mean c’mon it’s Crunchy Black. Even DJ Paul and Juicy J kicked him out of Three 6 Mafia for being a terrible lyricist. This can’t be good.
6. [Insert Your Favorite Rapper’s Mixtape Here] - Yes, Yours, Jerk!
I know I said that mixtapes are not albums but if you insist on placing them on year end lists then rest assure they probably belong somewhere on this list. Yes, yours! They are all terrible.
5. Yung Joc - Hustlenomics
How the hell did Yung Joc make the Forbes List of Richest Emcees last year? He had like one song and it was truly, truly terrible. Sometimes I just hate life.
4. Common - Finding Forever: The First Time I Listened To It
The first listening I had of Finding Forever, I was more nauseated with any record I listened to this year outside of Curtis. I have since warmed up to this record considerably and actually say I tentatively like it but I’m placing it Finding Forever because the gut, visceral “Holy Shit! Common is a lame cornball epiphany” moment I had while listening to about the ten straight cheesy love jams was enough to make me want to break Resurrection and the vastly superior Be.
3. DJ Khaled - We The Best
Question Of The Decade: How do you completely ruin an otherwise somewhat enjoyable compilation in one swift stroke? Answer: DJ “I’m Actually Middle Eastern But I’ll Pretend I’m Spanish So I Can Awkwardly Scream The N-Word on A Record As If That Wasn’t Completely Awkward As Well” Khaled. I want to hit that man in the face more than any person outside of Lil’ Wayne and Scott Storch. The definition of trying too hard.
2. Soulja Boy Tellem - Souljaboytellem.com
Remember when teenage rappers were like LL Cool J? Well, I don’t because I was like two but for those who did must look at Soulja Boy and think...Damn, my parenting skills fell off.
1. 50 Cent - Curtis
As if you didn’t see this one coming from a mile away...I’ll just leave you with what I wrote in my actual review of this record: “The album is like listening to 50 minutes of elevator music if only the elevator made death threats every 2.5 seconds or so...”
Well, that’s the end of Part I. Check back soon for Parts II and III.
To Be Continued...Bitches...