"Dedicated To The Winners & The Losers..." - Raekwon


Monday, June 29, 2009

A Prayer For Michael Jackson

"There's a metaphor somewhere in this photo."

I was born on July 24, 1983 and if we backtrack nine months (and if my math holds which is definitely suspect) than it is a reasonable enough to assume that I was conceived in November in the year of our lord, 1982. (I’m not nearly enough of a Freudian masochist to ask my parents the actual details of my conception. I’m still desperately clinging to the notion that I apparited onto this Earth Adam & Eve- style. Ew.) Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” was released on November 30th, 1982 so if the dates correspond it is not totally unreasonable to assume that I was conceived on the day this album was released. (Once again, Ew.) And if so, there has never been a time in my existence that Michael Jackson was not the biggest star on the planet. For people my age, it is almost as if we became Michael Jackson fans in the womb, nurturing ourselves on our mother nutrients and the sounds of “Billie Jean” and “Beat It” as we formed into human beings. We came out of the womb fully formed Michael Jackson fans, capable of moonwalking and performing the “Thriller” dance almost by osmosis. This is truth. There is nobody from my generation who is NOT a fan of Michael Jackson’s music.

However, the other truth of this is that I can’t remember Michael Jackson ever being a human being, either. By the time, I formed a true consciousness and began to form memories, Michael Jackson was already branded a freak. His face had already turned eerily white, his nose already mutilated, and his hair permed and straightened in attempt to hide the kinky Afro of his youth. I don’t remember when Michael Jackson had black skin let alone when he was fresh-faced pre-teen with a voice that most assuredly must have been stolen from an angel. He never seemed real to me. His uber-eccentric tabloid exploits and his vast personal troubles making him seem far more alien and untouchable than your typical celebrity.

And make no damn mistake, Michael Jackson was not your typical celebrity. Jackson was one of the rarefied celebrities that transcend the human condition and into precipice of living godhood. He did not belong to our kind. He belonged on Mount Olympus, or in Valhalla with the Norse Gods or on Jupiter frolicking with space aliens. Most celebrities society chooses to adorn with fame are often those who possess a talent or trait that we admire (unless, of course, they are reality t.v. stars or serial killers but even then society admires a skill they possess. It just happens to be unchecked sociopathy.) and we choose to elevate them above the rest of our kind because of it. However, most celebrities seem shockingly “human” and we revel in the schadenfreude of proving just that. They divorce. They battle alcoholism. They fuck on videotapes. Even their talents often seem as if fate had blessed the rest of us with incredible good looks or the ability to hit the high notes than we could be famous as well. Michael Jackson wasn’t like that. Michael Jackson’s talent dwarfed the ability of even are our most talented celebrities. No matter how well Justin Timberlake sings and dances, he’s not making an album as imminently flawless as “Thriller.” Its just not in him and that’s not a knock on the man. Its not in any of us. We are human. Michael Jackson was made of the celestial greatness that it is carved out of the Gods.

Michael Jackson paid for his talent as well. He lived the type of troubled and tortured lives that only afflict the genius. He spent his life being adored by nearly every human being on the entire planet but you get the sense that all he really wanted was to be secluded from the rest of the world to live and die in peace. In that sense, we should feel better that Michael Jackson’s pain is finally over. He is now in a better place. The true sadness is now that he has passed we have lost one of the last few beings of his kind. The ever expanding maw of the modern media has cheapened the concept of fame and there aren’t many beings that garner that level of worship on Earth left. Perhaps, Michael Jordan. Perhaps, Muhammad Ali. Madonna might qualify but she consciously chases that level of worship with a certain sense of superficiality as her eccentricities seem so calculated and packaged that she seems too overt for godhood. Everyone else doesn’t even come close.

Through all his trials and tribulations, we should remember that the talent the man possessed was the sort of talent that allows us to glimpse at divinity. “Thriller”, “Off The Wall”, “Bad”, these are records are not only flawless but allow us to touch something that is beyond us all even for a short moment. Hew was not among us. Do not cry for Michael Jackson. He has only returned home.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Video Of The Day: Shaquille O'Neal - No Hook [Feat. RZA & Method Man]



Yeah, this actually happened. Who knew that Shaq was such a big fan of the Gravediggaz? I think I like him just a bit more now. Whenever I get around to writing my book about shitty, shitty hip hop, Shaquille O'Neal is going to be prominently involved. I'm thinking multiple chapters. I can guarantee that.

Welcome Shaq!


Granted, this is the trade they should have made in February but I can't say I'm not excited right now. This will probably all end in tears but Shaq for the Corpse of Ben Wallace and Sasha Pavlovic? You kidding me?!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

No Words... U-God Makes A Dope Album... In 2009!!! Edition

"Apparently, U-God's entire art design budget was spent on a Jim Jones feature..."

For a relentless hater like myself, it's almost too easy to make fun of U-God. He gets into fights with Method Man and RZA. He made "Black Shampoo." He's an ungrateful lackey that spent his entire career, to his extreme and violent dismay, as a veritable punchline because of his status as being perceived as the luckiest motherfucker in rap. I mean you would be pissed too if you spent your entire career being consistently outclassed rapping next to sea of legendarily talented hall-of-famers like GZA, Ghostface and Raekwon. I mean U-God ain't exactly Method Man but he certainly ain't Melachi The Nutcracker, either. Scores of far more successful emcees would look ridiculous trying to compete with Inspectah Deck. Granted, he did make the video for "Bump" so perhaps his punchline status is well deserved.

His new album, "Dopium", is surprisingly dope, though. (Pun very intended.) It's nowhere near classic status but it follows the dogged Wu-Tang loyalist formula that Masta Killa, another Wu-Tang second-stringer, was able to ride "No Said Date" to minor classic status earlier this decade. U-God is finally smart enough to know that the only way that he's going to make any commercial noise in this climate is to drop any pretension of mainstream appeal and craft an album for Wu-Tang purists only. Most of the Clan show up to deliver a bunch of stellar guest verses and the production sounds like a reasonable enough facsimile of what RZA would produce if he hadn't gone bat-shit crazy hanging out with Quentin Tarantino and Dhani Harrison. It also features a song, "Magnum Force," featuring a trifecta of also-ran wackness when Jim Jones and Sheek Louch show up to discuss the finer art of holding the bag. It's suprisingly competent. I'm not even kidding. I listened to the record three times through today just to make sure I hadn't accidently caught a contact buzz on the way to work this morning.

And also to my extreme delight, the latter stages of the album suddenly turn into a glitch dance pop record out of fucking nowhere. Seriously. It turns into a fucking techno album. And it's not wack in the slightest. It's awesome. Seriously.

U-God - Train Trussle [Feat. Ghostface Killah & Scotty Wotty]








U-God - Magnum Force [Feat. Jim Jones & Sheek Louch]









U-God - Stomp The Roach (Remix) [Feat. GZA & Scotty Wotty]









Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Friends Who Make Music

"I'm comfortable enough in my (relative lack of) masculinity to admit that I'm a fan of this show"


One of the more awkward aspects about being a (not a) blogger writing about music (you know, aside from all of it…) is being asked by your friends to listen and post their band’s music for your site. As any person who adheres to the most basic of social conventions can tell you, peer-to-peer human bonding requires one to like (or at least, pretend to like) your friend’s shitty band even if you’d rather stick a corkscrew into aural cavity than listen to their music. Naturally, this can be problematic when one considers oneself to be an objective critic (and in my case, somebody with flawless taste) and you have to inform your friends through your (relative lack of…) social graces that you won’t be writing a fawning piece of their industrial sludge metal band on your blog because you don’t want to compromise your objective integrity (or rather because you simply have taste…) Fortunately, I have been blessed with friends that have musical talent and I’m proud to be able to post their stuff on my blog.


5 O’Clock Shadowboxers – The Slow Twilight

Over the course of my blogging career, I have befriended (and made enemies with) many of my fellow bloggers and musicians who frequent the same corner of the interwebs that I do. Through my travels, I somehow managed to befriend the infamous rapper Zilla Rocca of Clean Guns and producer/musician Douglas Martin of Fresh Cherries from Yakima through our correspondence and daily shit-talking we all do at Passion Of The Weiss and The What? message boards. Douglas and Zilla despite being on opposite coasts have formed like Voltron to form the group, the 5 O’Clock Shadowboxers, to release their collaborative album, “The Slow Twilight”.


This album is no joke and is one of the best albums to be released recently in a year that many critics are calling a return to form for hip hop (if the form was like 2004 but still…). The Slow Twilight sounds like the artistic cousin of GZA’s “Liquid Swords” if it were mated with Edan’s “Beauty & The Beat” and channeled through a less needlessly unintelligible version of Aesop Rock (in a good way) humping a DVD of “Double Indemnity.” Zilla Rocca is obviously a very talented lyricist and song-writer (although he does fall into my number one pet peeve of all white rappers which is cramming too many words and syllables into their verses to show of their technical virtuosity. Sorry, Zill. It’s true.) as he takes effort to craft some really effecting and sad songs on this like his ode to dead-end girls from Philly on “Dead Queens.” However, the real star of the show is Douglas Martin’s murky, low-end production. Drawing heavily from familiar mood rock sample sources like Radiohead and the Velvet Underground (allegedly, I’m not nearly enough of a Lou Reed stan to tell you), Martin crafts a dark, dark noir inspired beats. The beat on “Bottomfeeders” alone might be my favorite beat done all year.


Download or Buy: 5 O’Clock Shadowboxers – The Slow Twilight



Ra Ra Riot – The Rhumb Line

I have known the dudes (and chicks) from Ra Ra Riot in one shape or the other since my days happily drinking myself steadily into oblivion at Syracuse University. Their original drummer, John Pike, before he tragically passed and their lead singer, Wes Miles, were friends with my old college roommate, Clint, and used to sit on Clint’s bed and listen to weird break-beat records in our dorm room while I played Battlefield 2 on my computer. I remember seeing them perform their first shows in the basement of grubby house parties and now, the band is breaking nationally appearing on Late Night With Conan O’Brien and touring with (Seth Cohen Approved!!!) Death Cab For Cutie and (the immortal) Vampire Weekend. Numerous number of my friends are obsessed with these dudes (since they know them, personally), so its been oddly satisfying in seeing a band I can remember from its infancy going from playing shitty parties in the ‘Cuse to selling out Webster Hall in the space of three years.


I’m not the world’s biggest indie rock fan (obviously) but I’ve always had a really good time at their shows and I purchased their debut CD when it was released last August. Ra Ra crafts sweet and peppy indie pop songs that work slightly better live than they do in recorded form. They are kind of hypnotic live due to a large part because of their high energy state shows (and the fact, their two female members are hot) as Wes Miles really brings it. “Ohh La” off their album was probably my favorite indie rock (well, the only indie song I liked) last year.


Buy: Ra Ra Riot - The Rhumb Line


Divine Minds – Divine Intervention/SoulKlap & Divine Minds – The Quan

Divine Minds, consisting of fellow Shaker Heights alums, rapper Jerrell Johnson (Black J) and producer Mike Amaddio, have been kicking in and out of my musical consciousness back since I was pretending to be a rapper myself (and no, you will die before you hear any of my old material. Asher Roth, eat your heart out..). Jerrell was a friend of my younger brother and knowing that I was a big hip hop fan myself, used to pass me his early mixtapes that he created in his buddy’s homemade studio.


Now, Jerrell and Mike are all growns up (Word to Vince Vaughn) and crafting some damn, quality hip hop in their own right. “Divine Intervention” and “The Quan” (with rapper/producer Soul Klap) are some true boom bap purist goodness filled with J’s nimble rapping and some quality Dilla-lite quality beats. Each record is primarily concerned with social and geo-poltical…um, politics and can at times be mired in the typical conscious rap tropes but its definitely worth the time to check out. “The Quan”, Jerrell’s collaboration with Soul Klap is probably the more realized mixtape of the two but both are filled with some banging beats and rapping. Plus, there has to be the first song about “Global Warming” that manages to be hard as nails.


Download: Divine Minds – Divine Intervention


Download: Soul Klap & Divine Minds Presents The Quan

Monday, June 22, 2009

Great Moments In Damon Jones' History - A Retrospective

"Damon Jones shooting one of his patented ill-advised, hand-in-face jumpers."

Ask anybody who has spent a significant portion of time around me and they will inevitably tell you I'm one of the worst human beings alive to watch sports with. I'm easily angered, overly pessimistic and have a tendency to string together a veritable symphony of unspeakable expletives that will inevitably earn me a one way ticket to hell for breaking the Third Commandment (according to the one true Holy Bible, Wikipedia). I have a particularly nasty habit whenever a team that I'm rooting for inevitably starts to collapse in the third quarter of a tight game of throwing objects at-hand at high velocity at my television screen in disgust. Over the last couple of years, I have had to call Timer Warner Cable six or seven times (three alone in the Orlando series) to replace the remote control that I smashed against the wall as my teams blew a late lead.

Over the years, former Cavs basketball "great", Damon Jones has caused his fair share of household items to be destroyed in an uncontrollable rage. This is a shame because Damon Jones is also one of my favorite athletes of all-time. Damon Jones is an awesome basketball player, just not in the sense, that he's actually good at the game of basketball. He's actually pretty terrible at that. For a guy who claims to be "the Best Shooter On The Planet", he remarkably only shoots about 40 percent from three-point land which is just awful when you consider that his three-point shooting is his only on-court asset that is of any use to a team. However, what makes Damon Jones so undeniably awesome is his off-the-court antics and general tomfoolery which makes him one of the more entertaining human beings alive.

I have compiled some of the great moments from Damon Jones' career for the enjoyment of my readers. Bask in the awesomeness.

One of the key aspects of Jones' transcendence as a comedian is his ability to act like a preening jackass after the most mundane of accomplishments (like hitting an open jumper in the middle of a blowout loss) especially when it comes after missing five or six shots in a row. In this photo, Damon Jones celebrates a rebound of the open lay-up he missed on a fast break... against the Bobcats... in December... in a loss...

Damon is a master of the overly complicated handshake. It was reported that while he was performing his "duties" on the Cavs that he had a different handshake with each member of the team that he would perform before each and every game with them. It has also been reported this "influence" with Lebron James is part of the reason, the Cavs started performing their patented "pre-victory" skits before a 120-87 beat down of the Grizzlies this season (thus contributing to the ultimate demise of the Cavs this season. Son of a #%$@$ $#$%@%@$!!!!) Here we see Jones offer King James one of his patented "assists" coming out of timeout. This hand-shake proceeded to last the entirety of Mike Brown's "strategy" session.

In this photo, we witness Damon Jones' patented "let-my-assignment-blow-right-by-me" non-defense defense. We catch a small glimpse of why Damon Jones is the player he is.

Contrary to public opinion, weed carrying is an art. It requires that you put the needs of your weed owner ahead of your own. You have to be ready and willing to go the extra mile to get that high quality dank through airport security. In this photo, Damon Jones takes orders for how many blunts that Shaq and D-Wade require for their post-game smoke session.

A good weed carrier makes sure to take care of his old client's needs even after he's signed with a new owner. In this photo, Damon Jones discusses Shaq's weed requirements with the Corpse of Gary Payton, Shaq's new Secretary of Smoke.


One of the more entertaining aspects of Damon Jones' career is his tremendous sense of style. He is a man that not only knows how to sport a coat that would make Craig Sagers rock a-green-lime-suit with envy but he does it with the type of braggadocios flavor that can only come from a man who spent his career keeping Shaq and Lebron's bench warm and toasty. In this photo, DJ sports a dinner jacket from the 55-year old women's divorcée collection. Damon Jones is not afraid to look like some sort of cougar-pimp hybrid. Metallic leopard print in public? I think so.

Damon Jones knows the importance of being seen in public with athletes more talented and famous than him. He understands that, in order, to sleep with the same quality of groupies that you have to latch yourself onto a Shaq or Lebron or in this case, a Reggie Miller and a Shawn Marion. Witness how by subtly working himself into the center of the photo, he becomes a star and thus you are drawn to his charismatic magnetism and ignore the fact that he sucks at basketball. You want to be him even though you hate him with all your heart. Call him the DJ Khaled of basketball. Damon Jones is a visionary.

Being a style icon doesn't just happen overnight. You have to have role models, in order, to be able to properly dress like Hugh Hefner in public. Damon Jones knows this. In this photo, we witness Damon Jones interviewing legendarily bad dresser, Deion Sanders, on exactly how one wears a silver checkered sport suit, a pink dress shirt and a white fedora in public without looking like "Chocolate Lover"-era Big Daddy Kane in public. Clearly, Jones has taken the lessons "Prime Time" to heart.

Let's not forget his love for stupid haircuts as well.

Did you know Damon Jones signed an endorsement deal with a sportswear company in China to promote their basketball shoes simply because he was on the same team as Lebron James? Now you know and knowing is half the battle of going through the mental gymnastics that you have to make to reconcile that completely illogical thought in your head. Damon Jones endorses shoes in China.... Damon Jones endorses shoes in China!! DAMON EFFIN' JONES ENDORSES SHOES IN CHINA?!?!?!


Jones and LBJ... and the man love that dare not speak its name.

Damon Jones at his best.... Sitting on the bench... Holding Lebron's weed.... Acting Like A Clown... Not doing any harm on the basketball court... I will miss you, Damon Jones. Always and forever.

Damon Jones' career: 1998 - 2009.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

My Old High School Has Gotten Gully...



I have found a new personal savior in the form of an anonymous student who had the balls (or ovaries) to tell the school how they really felt. I personally always wanted to do this while I was at that miserable place but unfortunately, I never had the opportunity (nor talent or balls) to do something that unspeakably awesome. Personally, if I had done it I would have refused to apologize to anybody on general principle because I don't apologize to people whose general stupidity trumps their will to live (or in this case run a high school) but otherwise, this is the greatest prank in the history of the school. I want to thank you for restoring my faith in humanity.

On a related note, the parents in this video are the exact reason, I hated growing up in that type of overly sensitive community. How do you not find that hilarious?